You can’t change people, unless they want to change. That is a simple fact. You also have zero right to change anyone, even if you think they could be ‘better’, unless they actually ask for you help. What you can do is focus on being with people you genuinely like.
Everyone, in the free world, has the right to self determination, and to be both who and how, they wish to be.
Even if you have a family member who you believe is wasting their life, that’s their choice. It could well be that what you think is a waste of time and energy is the beginning of something incredible, only time will tell.
There are a good number of people who were told that playing video games would get them nowhere in life, many of them have become either professional gamers getting esports deals, or programmers that develop games.
A good friend of mine was told by his then fiancee that he had to get a good job. At the time he was working from home, building up a very specialist business doing rope access work. For him it was a deal breaker, and he broke up with her, even though he did love her.
Over time his business grew and went multinational, far exceeding the success that would have been possible had he gotten a job as she wished.
If someone is not as you wish them to be, take a closer look at yourself. Consider why you are around that other person, and whether you should spend your time elsewhere, or whether there are things that would be good to change about yourself. Focusing on your own growth will bring the right people to you.
You Can’t Change Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Change So Find And Be With Someone You Truly Love And Respect
You Can’t Change People’s Behavior
It’s shaped by experiences and learning which vary in psychological impact by culture. It can stem from early formative years, from birth onwards through into more recent times and things that have happened only moments before.
Behavior is coded into a person’s mindset in a very deep way, much of it coming through from an unconscious level of their mind.
Core Personality Traits Only Change Through Personal Choice
From coaching sessions, working with clients and other people using neuro linguistic programming techniques and other elements of psychology for over two decades, I have observed how deeply rooted behavior is, and how personal choice is crucial for change.
Everyone has their own journey in life, and their values and beliefs form as a result of how they wish to be. While you can work on being what you classify as a positive influence, and inspire change, it is ultimately only through their own choice that they will change.
If someone is so abjectly against your values and beliefs, stop spending time with them. Of course, if that person is your child, and below the age of 18, there is a sense of responsibility held in terms of raising them well.
If however you are attempting to change someone you are dating, then you should find a partner you are properly compatible with. Even if you’re at the point where you’re wondering “should I get married” with that person, you would likely be best breaking things off, dealing with things so that you can move on effectively. Then preparing for a relationship in a way that brings the perfect life partner to you.
You Can’t Change Someone You Can Only Change Yourself
While you have zero right to change others, unless they have asked you for help, you can achieve incredible results when you do change your own values and beliefs.
The people who are generally happiest with life are those who go through focused personal growth.
Positive Behavior Change Comes From Personal Growth
Personal development, when done with a good coach especially, that goes right to the core, empowers you to exert control over your happiness and fulfillment in an incredible way.
Meditation can bring about healthier relationships due to the heightened levels of self awareness that come through practice. It can take people years of introspection to work down into the depths where the greatest changes come from.
Change takes time when you go it alone and without help.
Professional Support And Coaching
Professional support can be hugely valuable.
Being able to talk to a therapist or coach, who is good at their job, can have you doing in weeks or months what could have taken years without external input from someone who knows what they’re doing.
With the right professional support, and extremely good coach or therapist, people can change their mindset and their life in a matter of hours. Something which often results in major transformations with their relationships. That is, they suddenly create incredibly positive change, which has them either adapt to feel happy with their existing partner, or happily break off and find the right partner very quickly.
When you stop focusing on trying to change others, and focus on your own personal growth and mindset change, you can leverage yourself into far greater states of happiness and fulfillment.
Don’t Try To Change Anyone Change How You Deal With Them
People can wreck their own mental health, and that of those around them, in efforts to change others.
Changing how you deal with people, specifically with how you communicate with them, much better results can flow with relative ease.
Changing Your Own Behavior Can Help Reduce Problematic Behaviors In Others
Much of what is seen as problematic behavior is down to communication issues. Granted, there are times when people do just hate others for certain reasons, that is relatively rare though.
Within romantic relationships differences with love languages can cause people to lack the belief that their partner loves them, when if rather than buying them gifts, they helped out with chores, or took them out for a romantic walk together, then they would understand that they’re loved.
Predicates And Communication
Other issues can arise from aspects of language use.
Some people use visual predicates such as; I see, that looks right, is that clear? While some use auditory words including; I hear what you’re saying, stop tuning out, does this resonate with you? Plus there are kinesthetic which are about feel, and audiodigital which relate to self talk and the sense of things.
Personal Growth And Neuro Linguistic Programming
Understanding a person’s predicates can transform communication with them. As can active listening and going beyond your own perception of what they’re saying, and clarifying actual meaning with them. Neuro linguistic programming can massively improve communication with others, plus lead to personal growth in a wonderful way for the person learning. So getting on a good certification course can bring incredible value, in terms of shaping behavior and personal stability.
Letting Go And Moving On
There are times when changing your own behavior, and how you deal with someone else will lack the results you desire.
Sometimes regardless of the encouragement given, someone who’s agreed to stop drinking or taking other substances, fails to attend meetings with support groups, and allows their own well being to slip back to a point where they’re drinking and going into substance abuse again.
Sometimes, regardless of how other people’s lives are affected, people wish to remain as they are, even if they have made other promises. Change has to be self motivated for real success to come.
The only person you can ever directly change, is yourself. Sometimes, there is a process people have to go through to realize this, one where a reasonable amount of pain is involved. Regardless of how much you love a person, be they a partner, friend or family member, sometimes you have to accept the truth that they have made their decisions, they wish to be the way they are, and just decide to move on.
The best thing you can do is nurture good habits and well being for yourself, and allow others to formulate an idea about what would happen if they took on your habits and behavior. When you try to force people, things usually end in pain, for everyone. There are times it is good to stand up for yourself, and say no to others, especially where psychological or physical violence are concerned. Other times, just let go, learn from what becomes past, and allow your energy to shape your world in a positive way, finding people who are like minded, rather than changing those around you.
Create happiness by changing yourself into a positive example on a daily basis, rather than by changing others lives.
It’s Always You Unless It’s Them
Another thing that comes from neuro linguistic programming, is that of putting yourself at cause for everything that happens in your life. Most people give reasons for their lack of results, or why certain things happened.
An incredible transition takes place when people put themselves at cause for the various things that happened to them, they start getting good results. The majority of time, it’s you, never them. Issues with poor communication, plus low flexibility of behavior blocking ability to connect effectively, and achieve the desired result with a person.
There are rare exceptions to this.
Knowing When It’s You And When It’s Them
Not everyone will get along.
Occasionally, people are so incompatible that each person’s behavior just clashes, with core traits creating so much friction that those people would be best off staying apart. Sometimes, regardless of what you do, there’s someone who will object, regardless of what is said or done.
This is rare, and when you have done everything possible, behavior change on your part, using every self aware skill to tune in to their way, and aligned your communication to theirs as best as is possible, that’s when it is them and likely you are involved in an abusive toxic relationship.
Again, this is rare, and usually putting yourself at cause will reveal better ways forward, especially if you get the right professional support to help coach you through the discovery and change process.
Finding A Partner Who Shares Your Core Personality Traits
Emotions and other feelings can run out of control for some people when they’re dating. Over time as attachment builds, people often become reluctant to break up due to the length of time they have spent with their partner. Often they also wonder “will I find love again?” With that uncertainty making them focus more on trying to change and influence change in their partner.
Usually, creating new behaviors in yourself, rather than in someone else, can bring much more positive results in your life. Generating the perception of new opportunities, ones which likely had been open for a long time though never noticed before.
Matchmaking And Being In The Right Dating Pool
When you meet the right partner, you generally get positive feedback very rapidly to that effect. It can be in terms of feelings during the first meeting, or from their behavior towards you over time.
Many people end up with the wrong partner, hence the high number of divorces in many countries. With 70% of divorces in the US relating to neglect by one or both partners, causes can be drawn back to being with the wrong partner very easily.
Much of this comes from commitment to find the right partner, and get in the right dating pool. Most people stick to their local area, and over compromise in order to be with someone who’s far from right for them.
Being with someone who fits your preferences, matches your core traits and specific circumstances, essentially removes desire to change or control partners.
Of course, the reality is that people change over time. Though when you have matched core traits and life goals, couples tend to feel safe with each other and work through challenges, and create behavior change together where needed as a result.
Healthier relationships come when your core personality traits are aligned with those around you. That alignment results in positive feedback between partners during communication, and the absence of problematic behaviors. In essence, choosing the right partner results in zero desire to change others, and brings a much better state of mental health for everyone involved. So never seek to change others, instead, change yourself and choose the right life partner.