To find the right person for you, you have to be in the right dating pool. This can happen by accident, or due to professional help from matchmakers, marriage agencies, or in rare cases apps. Finding the right person is completely reliant on your mindset and the action you take to find your ideal life partner.

There’s a lot which gets in the way of someone finding the right person for them, with challenges from a previous relationship, especially a bad relationship, frequently creating issues in the unconscious mind which are rarely dealt with effectively. Most people, rather than getting coaching and help to move on from a relationship effectively, opt to ignore things and say they’re fine. Some may seem fine on the outside, though the limiting decisions and beliefs formed deep down, with suppressed negative emotions, do cause issues that block love and happiness.

Dealing with emotional baggage in a healthy way is a large part of freeing yourself to actually find the right person for you, and form a loving long term relationship.

The other half of the issue is actually getting into the right dating pool. Most people rarely get this right, hence the high divorce rate, and the core reasoning behind divorce being that of neglect. When people find the right partner, they do stay together for life. It’s when they find someone who they think is the best they can find, and opt to just stay with them, that things end less favorably.

So understanding how to get your mindset right, and then get in the right dating pool so that you can find your perfect life partner, are vital things to get right.

To Have A Healthy Relationship You Have To Find The Right Person For You First

Right Person Meaning

Enjoying A Loving Long Term Relationship Is Easy With The Right Person

Right person means the person who matches you perfectly for how you are, and how you wish to be.

In terms of a loving relationship this includes having mutual respect, the same or similar interests, good communication, aligned core values and beliefs, along with a high level of attraction to each other on multiple levels.

Why Is Finding The Right Person So Hard?

Deal With Emotional Baggage So Finding The Right Person Becomes Easy

Finding the right person is hard for a lot of people for two very basic reasons:

  • Mindset
  • Dating pool

How Mindset Affects Finding The Right Person

Everything you experience in life is stored within your memory. Just because you have trouble recalling something does not mean it’s not there, it could be heavily suppressed due to trauma, or chained in a gestalt which you’re unable to access due to your current state.

Memory is stored in two ways:

  • Chronologically, i.e. by time
  • By gestalt, i.e. in groupings for example the color red, sweet flavor, happiness, etc.

Gestalt is often what makes things challenging to access, as memory is coded in a state dependent fashion. That’s why when people feel down, they generally find it impossible to recall anything good that’s happened to them. Whereas when you feel good, it is relatively good to recall happy memories.

That said, even though recalling memories can be challenging, especially traumatic memories, they are still there, and there are still the effects of them running within your mindset. In particular, when unpleasant things happen people often end up creating limiting decisions on an unconscious level, these then expand to become limiting decisions. With issues including loss of hope and limited expectations about life being common.

Even when someone is unaware of the effects of events, and what memories are suppressed, those limiting decisions and beliefs are still active within the unconscious mind. Often causing negative views to be taken during what the person involved views as ambiguous situations.

Trauma is out at an extreme, though even negative outcomes experienced during normal daily life can end up causing limiting beliefs to form. One example being how people who lose at various games, including things like the lottery, gradually develop negative beliefs about their luck, or lack of it.

When unpleasant things happen of a significant enough magnitude, which varies by person, or on a repetitive basis, limiting beliefs form and can become reinforced to the point of being seemingly unshakable. When a person has been repeatedly taken advantage of, cheated on, ghosted, or gaslit, they often build very negative beliefs about others, including their own ability to trust, plus their own self worth.

Mindset can affect partner searching in ways very few people ever truly understand. It affects perceptions of those around you, as well as yourself, which can bring challenges with understanding whether you have actually met the one, or not.

How Dating Pool Affects Ability To Find True Love

When someone is in the wrong dating pool, it becomes almost impossible for them to find anyone they relate to. They may find reasonable matches at times, though there will always be something missing which causes them to have doubts or feel uncomfortable in a way they rarely understand consciously.

Depending on how specific your type is, and your own character, then dating locally, or online dating using a general dating site or apps, may or may not work for you. For success with online dating you have to use the right service for you and what you’re looking for.

For clients that we talk to during consultations at Marriage Matching, their available dating pool comes up as reasoning time and time again for them reaching out for professional help, that is, they hit a point where they understand the best way for them to find that right partner, is by getting professional help and getting in the right dating pool.

When a person is in the wrong dating pool, they usually know it based on their own understanding of the type of partner they desire. While for some this can be as specific as wanting to find a Japanese wife while living in rural Idaho, it can also be that their values and beliefs lack alignment with those around them. Many in western countries have gone down the route of wanting to be free from commitment, so for those seeking a loyal and committed partner it means that their dating pool in those places is incredibly limited, and sifting through to find the right one is a real challenge.

When someone is in the wrong dating pool, meeting the wrong type of people is common, and finding true love becomes next to impossible. Though even in the right dating pool, you still need the right mindset to find the one.

Right Person, Wrong Time?

When people meet the one they just know, and they move heaven and earth to be together, whatever stands in their way. From experience running a marriage agency for many years, something noted with extreme regularity is that couples who are right for each other, know within two to three months of meeting. Sometimes from that first introduction, or Omiai as they’re called in Japan.

When people think “right person, wrong time” that person is likely a very close match, though something is missing which causes the belief that it’s the wrong time. Otherwise they would change their situation, whether that be finding new work and moving to a new city or even overseas, both of which things we see regularly, or whether some other change is needed in their life.

If you, or your that potential partner, is thinking “Is this the one?” Or, “Should I get married?” Yet the answer is coming back as no, or at best uncertainty, something else is needed either in terms of life fulfillment, or in terms of what you want in a relationship.

When a person does meet the one, they both do whatever it takes to be together, because they know that they have found that incredibly beautiful, yet elusive to some, true love.
Finding The Right Person Sometimes Means Making Life Changes

If you are willing to make changes for the person you believe is the one, and they are willing to make changes for you, it is never the wrong time. The reality is, that for many people when they find the one, they just click into place with minimal change, hence things being right with them. With many of the clients we work with, there is an openness to relocating with one or both of them, which means they can come together relatively easily, even if it can take a while for them to find each other at first.

How Do You Know The Right People?

Finding The Right Person On Your First Date Is Magical Yet Possible

There are two answers for how do you know the right people, with each answer coming from a different perspective:

  • Instinctively
  • Being in the right group

When you meet the right people, you instinctively know they’re right, based on a set of checks and balances that are done on the unconscious level within your mind. Various data sets and observations are run against your values, beliefs and other core thinking, and when the right combination of factors are present, the instinct comes that you’re with the right people or person.

This also then relates to being in the right group as an overall thing, which defines down into the right dating pool for those specifically seeking a romantic partner.

When you’re in the wrong dating pool, instincts will generally bring up red flags about potential partners. Many people will consciously overrule such unconscious warnings, and when they do so repeatedly then the warnings cease as the unconscious mind knows you lack interest in them. This can lead to people often ending up in very negative situations that could easily have been avoided. You have instincts for a reason, listen to them!

Healthy Relationships Come From The Right Dating Pool

When you are seeking a healthy relationship, which should be everyone, then being in the right dating pool is essential.

Healthy relationships stem from alignment of values, beliefs, and high levels of compatibility across multiple things, including communication. When that foundation is present, and things are harmonious, it becomes very easy to develop a great long term relationship, because being together is easy, and enjoyable.

We often get talking with people who wonder “Will I find love again?” With those concerns being based on previous relationship experience having met the wrong people, having been in the wrong dating pool. Through shifts in both mindset and dating pool those people transition into finding love and developing a harmonious long lasting relationship relatively quickly compared to most.

Sort out your mindset, i.e. get rid of limiting decisions and beliefs, then get in the right dating pool, and finding the right person for a truly great relationship becomes simple.

How Do You Decide If The Person Is Right For You?

Finding The Right Person Is Easiest When Your Mindset Is Optimized

One thing which is vital here, is knowing what you want from a relationship. While it can be relatively easy to find someone who loves you, meeting the one is rather different. Even in an abusive toxic relationship, or one that’s codependent, partners still love each other on some level, even if it manifests in an unhealthy way. Finding someone you can enjoy a healthy relationship with requires greater discernment.

If you’re still asking yourself “What do I want in a relationship?” Then you are generally not ready to meet the one, unless that person sparks a sudden realization that they’re everything you want.


Signs You’re With The Right Person

  • You feel safe with each other
  • You treat each other with respect
  • You have the same or similar values
  • You feel confident in yourself and them
  • Spending quality time together is natural
  • You both understand and honor all the rules
  • You click easily in each others social circle
  • You have fun together with little effort
  • You feel special when you’re together
  • You communicate easily together

When these things are all present, then it’s a good sign you’re with the right guy or girl.

Remember, people can change, and that can happen at any time. Things like PTSD can bring abrupt change to people’s lives. Though equally well, someone can watch a movie or documentary, or see something at work, and suddenly their entire world view can change, in an instant.

The insight you have is of that person in that moment. What comes later is unknowable, you can only ever do your best to build an understanding of what you think will happen, and how that person is likely to adapt as a result. Hence why many couples discuss the future, including plans and what if type scenarios, when they’re dating and before making any decisions about marriage.

Signs You’re Not With The Right Person

  • There is a lack or respect between you
  • Communication is poor or non-existent
  • One of you thinks the other has bad habits
  • One of you thinks the other makes bad choices
  • One of you thinks the other has unrealistic expectations
  • One of you thinks the other ignores or breaks some or all the rules
  • One of you is regularly thinking about being with someone else

When you are feeling uncomfortable as a result of a relationship, even if for different reasons, especially on a regular basis, you’re likely with the wrong person.

Often negative relationships are the result of being in the wrong dating pool, and refusal to do something positive about it, instead just capitulating out of a desire to be with someone, rather than being alone.

That issue usually stems from a lack of motivation or understanding, about sorting out mindset issues. You have to deal with your own issues, whether through self development, therapy or coaching, before you can find the right person and be truly happy. While you might get close, there will generally will like something is off, or you will be with the wrong person, until your mindset is clear and properly aligned with how you wish to be.

Spend Quality Time Together So You Can Get A Deeper Sense Of Your Partner

By spending time, doing things together and communicating, you can get a sense of whether something is right or not for you.

You may both like the same sports team, and have good intentions, yet still be incompatible when it comes to having a romantic, loving relationship.

Honest feelings do matter, and time is needed to reflect on and build a strong idea of how well you meet on things which are important to each of you. It could be that you can be great friends, those deserve someone more compatible and loving for the one relationship you wish to be in for life. That said, when you find the right person for a meaningful relationship, you just know.

How Do I Find The Right Person For Me?

Healthy Relationships Only Come When You Meet The Right Person

Start focusing on getting clarity about what you really want, in terms of both love and life, as both are important when it comes to developing long lasting relationships.

Breaking your comfort zone is worthwhile, both in terms of getting your mindset aligned with how you wish to be, and changing your circumstances so you can get into, and be in, the right dating pool to find the right person for you.

Developing Healthy Self Worth And Self Esteem

Developing healthy self respect is always worthwhile. Unless you respect yourself, it is unlikely that anyone else will, including anyone you date. When you do have healthy self worth, esteem and respect, then other people will be respectful of you too, and treat you in a good way as a result. That is, people will become more loving towards you, when you have a healthy love for yourself. Changes with this always bring proportional responses in that person’s love life.

Change How You Meet People

Once you have developed healthy self love, reconsider how you meet people. Delete the common apps that most people use, and get into social groups that match your lifestyle preferences, consider also niche sites or services that can help you meet people like you more easily.

When Getting Help Finding A Meaningful Relationship Is Wise

When you’ve decided that you’re tired of whatever dating pools you have easy access to, and are looking for the one partner you can share the rest of your life with, then getting professional help with your dating pool, matchmaking and also introductions, becomes wise.

Both men and women struggle with finding the right person, and they do so in a relatively equal amount, which often surprises many.

As a note on this, in Japan by the end of 2022, the number of marriages coming as a result of use of marriage agencies, had risen to 15.4%. In Japan people struggle to meet due to cultural and societal issues, basically they won’t exchange contact information or agree to go on a date unless they have mutual connections. The marriage agency system is how that issue, and the challenge of finding the right person was overcome in Japan. Because people are very respectful, reliable and dependable, the system works, and the various professional matchmakers involved do a very good job of helping people.

Finding the right person for you depends on having your mindset properly aligned with what you want, then finding someone who aligns properly with you in terms of values, beliefs and desires. As a result, finding the right person for life is also highly dependent on being in the right dating pool in order to meet that right person.

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